Savage Tide

Episode 4: In which we see the Zombie in the crack in the door

Peril!

OH MY GOD A ZOMBIE!!! Anarne moves to take the Zombie out with her ASS! Er… AXE! SHE TOTALLY MAXIMOUSLY DAMAGES IT INTO PIECES!!! Everyone booty dances “This is how we do it”… Felix has checked for traps previously and now searches the room. Shefton’s body lies nibbled upon by the dead undead dude. Felix checks the door in front of us for traps… Cunty detects magic. It is not magically trapped and Felix un-handle-y latches the door open and looks inside. We enter the hallway.

Then we enter a room with pillars that appears empty. There is no magic, there are no traps… Freya notices there is a SECRET DOOR. She slides the door aside and finds a long narrow passageway that leads down into the ground. Anarne is stocked with torches and rations and sashays down the hallway to find A SECRET DOOR!! There are noises. Felix bitches… “YOU GUYS!! I TOLD YOU ALLLLL!” Anarne inquires about the dog… dog is fine. We inquire about the weasel and the monkey… the monkey is chattering and Freya states Annie’s Boobs cleans her weasel all the time. There are no traps. The water we are in is shin deep and the noises from behind us get closer and CLOSER! We RUN AWAY though the area.

Freya and Felix debate our plan of attack. Cunty starts to bard… “COME AND FUCKING GET US YOU ASSHOLES!!!” Three gross zombies bust out of the tunnel, the one in the back is wearing armor and has a lolling tongue. Freya whispers “I am so fucking close I’m going to SHOCKING GRASP HIM!” Cunty steps out from behind the pillar and shoot her short bow! She lands it in a zombies shin and sings “TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!” But it appears that he takes no damage. Anarne tries to axe the zombie but misses and fumbles her axe to the ground… FREYA SHOCKINGLY GRASPS THE FUCK OUT OF THE ZOMBIE! CRITICAL HIT!!! He is totally like brrhghhlrlll and some of his teeth fall out… looks like he might have a hard time biting. Huzzah!

Felix prepares to sneakily attack the other zombie and ATTACKS HIS FACE OFF!!! She lacerates his hideous countenance. Del, Cunty, and Anarne fail their attacks, but Anarne is able to shove of the Zombie as she lunges towards her fallen axe. She recovers it successfully!!! Freya moves to FROST THE FUCK OUT OF THE ZOMBIE!!! Her ray of frost shoots RIGHT IN HIS FUCKING EYE AND BLINDS HIM!!! Icicles form as he cries tears out like a fucking baby and bemoans the extreme pain!!! Felix attacks the zombie Anarne was flailing at… and flails away. Del moves to FLURRIOUSLY BLOW the FLAILED ZOMBIE!!! SHE BLOWS HIS FACE UP!!! BOOOYAHKASHAAA! HE EXPLODES!!! The big bad zombie moves toward Del and he slams her like a baby. She is so strong and buff she’s alll like, F YOU. The other zombie tries to gum Freya slightly, and mostly grosses her out. Cunty tries to rapier the gummy zombie but fails… boo. Anarne axes up the beefy zombie and mysteriously, part of his wounds HEAL!! GAAHH!

Freya moves to ray of frost his BUTTHOLE!!! She FULLY DAMAGES HIS BUTTHOLE and then affirms to all of us that the germs from his butt to not transfer up her ray of frost to her hand, she is free of all zombie butthole germs. The zombie’s rotting grey starfish is on ice. Felix tries to tumble past the zombies but is unable to make it. Felix tries to sword the the shit out of him, but her blades glance of his armor.

Del moves to flurry up the bossman. SHE BLOWS HIM FLURRIOUSLY but he seems less fazed. Suddenly Cunty remembers that this Zombie is a HUkyuva and he is susceptible to SILVER!! And turns out, Felix has that silver dagger on her person! The toothless zombie tries to gum up Freya, but ends up chomping on the wall. CUNTY FINISHES HIM!!! SHE RAPIERS HIM!!!! Anarne FINISHES THE HUKyuva!!! He goes “BLAAHHOooowww!” We pass around the flask and celebrate. Go US!

We make our way back to the last room we were in before we ran away from the zombies. Del finds another secret door in this room. There are no traps and it looks like the tunnel leads up. There is a wooden door at the end. It is not trapped. We open the door and squint mightily against the bright ass light. Del is like, “shit is bright, ya’ll”… we take a nap and Felix, unable to sleep with her head filled with thoughts of Lady Lavinia, stands guard. WE LEVEL UP AND EVERYONE HUZZAHS!! Freya becomes the most intimidating fucking biotch EVER!!!

We had a restful sleep and woke up to find ourselves more powerful than we ever IMAGINED!! Anarne user her mad skills to find our way to the cove and the rowboats… we stroke ourselves allll the way back to Sasserine. Freya is super into buying a boat and Felix is super worried about Lavinia and Vanthus’s betrayal and Del is really interested in getting paid. We head over to the Merchant District to the Vanderboren manor and give the what what to Cora, she is super impressed with our gleamingly totesed leveled upedness. Felix spills the beans about Vanthus and Freya lays it down about the Zombies… and whispers “shhh she does not need to know about the oot-lay.”

We read out the scroll to her about Vanthus’s betrayal of Pinkus!!! SPINELESS TREACHEROUS CURR!!! Lavinia seems to be surprised about Vanthus, she wants him alive, Felix looks to comfort her… and says, she asks if it comes to it, that her brother’s death be quick and merciful. Felix and Cunty gather information about the Lotus Dragon cult of thieves Cunty’s gnome informant says they have ties to animal smugglers and that the worst of the animals are kept in the guild halls as guardian! Rawarrr! Cunty asks him about taxidermists and he directs her to the taxidermist guild hall in town. Felix goes to Shadowshore to snoop around and look for thieves and information on the Lotuses. She doesn’t come up with any new information, but as she’s leaving Shadowshore she finds a note in her pocket! It says “YOU ARE BEING WATCHED BY THE LOTUS DRAGON YOUR QUESTIONS WILL ONLY BRING YOU MISERY!!!”

We meet up at the Rusty Mermaid. Anarne says “they can go to fucking hell!” Felix says do you think they’re in Shadowshore? She looks around for any snoopy spies, but doesn’t perceive any. Freya is hell-bent on rolling deep to the taxidermist’s guild hall. We discuss the best time to go, and Felix warns us of the DANGER of the hell-town Shadowshore where crimes go unpunished and no one gives a fuck if you get stabbed up in your shit. TO THE SUNRISE DISTRICT!

Felix notices an urchin reaching into her pocket and he notices that she notices him and he takes the FUCK OFF! She hollers “GET THAT LITTLE FUCKER!!!” FELIX IS PEW PEW’D IN THE LEG WITH AN ARROW after one piffs past her head. Felix goes on and on about her coming up in the streets of Shadowshore…. and one of the bitches attacking us whisper-growles to Felix… “you should have heeded the warning of the lotus!”

There’s some dicks on top of buildings with crossbows and there are some dicks who busted out of the alleyways. Anarne rapidly longbows at the dicks on the roof. She SPEARS THE DICK IN THE NECK AND HE WILHELM SCREAMS AS HE CAREENS TOWARDS THE STREET! Her second arrow fires, but clatters to the street below. FREYA BEGINS A FREAKY ENYA INCANTATION TO SUMMON A DIRE RAT! The dick remaining in the roof piffs away an arrow at Anarne, and the dick from the alley tries to rapier Felix but she dodges the FUCK out of the way! Del FLURRIOUSLY BLOWS THE DICK’S NECK UNTIL IT SNAPS IN HALF!! Felix picks up his crossbow and aims at the remaining dick on the roof and pierces him in the shin! She grunts “TAKE THAT UUUGHHH!!” Cunty casts dancing lights in the face of the dick on the roof, and Anarne rapidly longbows, she misses with her first arrow and hits with the next! THE DICK IS LIMP AND BARELY ALIVE WHEN A DIRE RAT APPEARS BEHIND HIM!!! It attempts to gnaw off it’s limbs but gnashes at the air! Freya ray of frosts the FUCKER AND SENDS HIM TO AN ICY GRAAAAAVVVE! He falls off the roof and his head cracks open, and bits of shattered brain fall red and glittering like blood rubies to the ground.

There is urchin venom in potion bottles and Cunty wonders if the street children are poisonous…

Felix compiles the loot from the bodies but there don’t seem to be any clues. It darkens into dusk and we head toward the guild-hall.

The hall is open. Freya approaches the mustachio’d dude and inquires about stuffing dire rats. He creepily says “HEYYY ladies, how’s you like to buy a stuffed bear?!” While this goes on, Felix attempts to sneak around and gather clues. Freya charms the shit out of this dude and introduces him to Annie’s Boobs.

Cunty tries to seduce him as well and she pretends to trip and uses his leg to pull herself back up and casually caresses his balls.. he is not having any of it. He notice Felix looking around and hollers at her, she bluffs him up about her weasel and we exit out of there quickly… he is watching us leave as we go to the Shivering Cat Tavern… Felix looks MIGHTY natural… but he is still watching. Del can tell he is writing shit down. Freya tries to convince Cunty to leave it be when she’s working her sexual magic but Cunty is indignant and is all like, “Whatever I’m fucking hot!”…

We take a table and the bartender comes over to us, Felix again tries to charm him and asks a bunch of questions finishing with “I really love the smell of formaldehyde.” He thinks she’s weird. He comes back and Del sauces him up to find out his name… Felix tries to kiss his ass about his amazing bar and beverages and then inquires about the taxidermist and the Lotus. William tells her that she shouldn’t be asking those kinds of questions and tells us to take our drinks and go. We offer him five gold pieces to answer us. Cunty tries to tell him she will suck his dick, but he is totally not into it. He considers the price of ten gold pieces… and Freya convinces him to give up the information about the building. He says there’s thieves cumming and going underneath. We ask him about Vanthus and William doesn’t recognize him. Turns out William likes dick. We exit the pub and the dude is not still watching. Felix holds Cunty’s hair back as she hurls in the street. We then cross the street to the guild hall and try to bust in.

Felix checks for traps, there are no traps. She is trying to pick the lock and we’re all standing around. Cunty throws up. Felix successfully picks the lock. We walk inside. Felix says “I like sneaking into places at night.” Freya says “our code for the Shivering Cat is the Shaking Pussy… or the Shimmering Pussy… I haven’t decided yet” we are all okay with this. Freya starts to get up in it about being a lady pirate without a ship and that we will name it the ship shape and instead of writing “shape” on it we would cut out a shape of a ship and put it after the word ship and then it would be awesome.

There’s a desk and a chair in the room and Del sees the air moving. She says-“The air is moving” Freya says “check for gas leaks” Cunty farts. Del starts tripping ballz on the lights.

A BLAST OF LIGHT HITS DEL IN THE FAACE! She remains undamaged but she is still tripping ballz. The Taxidermist shows up with a wand and he poops his pants when he realizes that most of us are not fascinated by his light beam. Anarne tries to axe him in the face and she trips and falls on her ass… the taxidermist laughs. Cunty bards. Felix shakes Del and screams in her face “SNAP OUT OF IT!!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!!” Freya yells “WHAT DO YOU WANT” to the taxidermist as she tries to ray of frost him but she misses and hits the top of the door frame. The taxidermist says “I WANT YOU DEAD BITCHES!” Felix is like “FUCK YOUR WEASELS I DIDN’T FUCKING WANT THEM ANYWAYS AND WE WERE LYING TO YOU!” and he’s all like “I KNOOWWW!!” and Felix is like “I KNOW YOU DIDN”T KNOOOWWW ASSHOLE!! And the taxidermist is ashamed. Freya says “PUNCH HIM IN THE DICK DEL!!” Del crane-style karate kid kicks him in the abdomen, she beaks his ribs and he’s bleeding out of his mouth. We stabilize him and tie him up…

Till NEXT TIME!!!

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