We reign victorious over Soller Vark and we sell all our loot. Pooled our funds to buy a wand of cure light wounds. We meet Shefton who takes us over to a groovy jungle island… Cunty with her riding dog, Freya with her monkey, and Felix with her weasel.
There is a clearing Shefton says is the trap door. Felix checks the trap door for traps… she perceives no traps. Opening the door there is a rope ladder leading down into the darkness. Shefton the coward refuses to go down into the darkness. Anarne carries the riding dog. We find ourselves in a dank obsidian portal, that reeks worse than Lazer the weasel. Shefton screams from atop the hole and falls into the pit with a dagger in his back! Then another head pokes into the trap door.. a familiar head… VANTHUS! He says “You scumbags lookin for me?!? Say hi to Penkus’ ghost down there… serves you right!”
He starts to cut the ladder and we spring into action. Freya draws her bow and yells “I’m gonna shoot you in the dick!!!” Vanthus sneers and dodges out of the way. He cuts the rope and says something shitty like “enjoy the dark bitches!!” Felix gasps "Did he just call us BITCHES?!?! Freya exclaims I AM GOIN TO SHOOT YOU IN THE DICK!!! He is standing and we can see the dick… except it’s in the pants Anarne tried to shoot him in the dick and missed. Felix tries to climb the wall she moves like a spider weasel 15 feet. The wall is rough and stuff and she rocks it… Freya is all like, way to go… Del is a bad ass Monk, she and tries to scale the wall, she biffs at first, but then scampers about 7.5 feet and then is able to admire Felix’s form. Freya is spider-manning out sleep spells like mad… but Vanthus does not fall asleep just yet…. and then Cunty sings You’re the best around! Vanthus closes the trap door and puts a rock on the top of the door… we are totally fucked and stuck inside these tunnels.
Anarne lights a muther f-in torch and the ladies come down the wall. Cunty stops singing. Alll the dicks in the room. We loot Shefton’s corpse and the money gets a dagger. Felix checks for traps. There’s a door to a brick room. It’s kind of crumbly and there’s soft ocean lapping and dripping noises there’s no magic, and Felix checks for traps and the monkey screams at Felix. The weasel screeches back at the monkey and attacks it’s red glowing eyes. We open the door to a large room with a pool of water and lapping ocean waves.
There are four great wooden pillars that are saggy and some fungus… there’s also muffled sloshing noises… there’s a body face down in the water…. the corpse is not magical, Felix loots the gross-out body and finds a dagger.. HOLY FUCK A ZOMBIE RISES OUT OF THE WATER AND TRIES TO EAT THE SHIT OUT OF FELIX!!!!! HE NIBBLES HER TO THE BOOOOONE!!!! Rumors of zombie contagions are false- says Cunty. Freya scolds Felix for wading into the stagnant water where there’s OBVIOUSLY a dead boody…. Freya is not pleased, nor is her monkey who is FREAKING OUT. Felix runs away from the ZOMBIE!!! And hides behind Anarne.
Anarne CHARGES TOWARDS THE ZOMBIE SCREAMING “TAKE THAT ZOMBIE BITCH!!!” She totally chops one of his arms off and it flies through the air… the zombie is unnerved as guts and black blood ooze out of his arm-hole. Felix gets f-d and two more Zombies come out of the door. Freya raises her arm, held high in her signature two in the pink one in the stink hand-gesture…. IT’S THE SHOCKING GRASP!!!! She REAMS HIM IN THE EYE SHE FRIES HIM DEAD AND THE PARTY ERUPTS INTO HUZZAHS!!!! Del is amped up and ready to flurry of blows this bitching zombie. SHe BLOWSOFF THE LADY ZOMBIE IN THE FACE!!! ULTIMATE BLOWING ZOMBIE BITCH UNTIL HER HEAD EXPLODES OFF HER BODY!!! DEL FISTED HER HEAD OFF. Felix flanks the armless zombie but sucked balls instead of hitting. Freya runs over with her “fucking the shocking grasp away”… and whiffs her glowing hand past his face… Del is slamming the shit out of the zombie. Anarne attacks the shit out of the Zombie with her AXE and cuts him in half!!!!
After the battle Cunty wands everyone in the party except Anarne… she pings Freya, she pings Del, and when she gets to Felix her wand EXPLODES UNCONTROLLABLY ALL OVER HER. So much healing.
We open the door to the lapping water sounds, and we begin to wade through the slippery water avoiding the slippy poison sea urchins. Dog and Cunty hold on and everyone survives without being poisoned. Felix does not believe there are any traps in the fork of the dungeon water tunnels and there is no magic either.
We forge on into the right deep dark hole…Freya totally falls in the gross water and hits and urchin and starts to wretch from the poison. She is vomiting and then mumbles about how woozy and uncomfortable she is. Felix comforts Freya. We wait for Freya to recover for one minute the party bitches about Lavinia…. Felix defends herself against wanting to bone her while the party discusses the ethics of Felix’s slutty past and future…
Riding dog paddles through the water with Cunty surfing on his back. The water deepens but land ho! It looks like there’s solid ground ahead. The water is murkiest here… we’re gonna have to swim… Anarne follows the pack, Cunty’s dog YELPS and blood reddens the water. A water zombie RISES out of the muck!!!!
Del swims forward towards one of the three zombies that have popped out of the water. She beats his zombie head into the wall!!!! Freya swims forward next and rays frostily at the zombie pew pew pew he is iced…. Felix swims up to the frozen dude and sneakily short swords the shit out of him she slits his throat from behind and he has a gaping throat gap. Felix laughs at his face. Anarne pulls out her bow and fires a wayward arrow. The zombie Del biffed into the wall tries to bite her but she holds it at arms length like a badass. Zombie who attacked dog misses Cunty and the other one misses Felix. Cunty tries to swim and scurry past the zombies but misses terribly, she starts to bard it up. Del bashes the zombie’s head into the wall again and his skull cracks open like an egg and his brains fall out, then she does a sweet spin move and kicks the other zombie in the FACE!!!! Freya shockingly grasps the un-life out of the zombie. He is dead. Felix again sneak attacks zombie and slices his head off.
All zombies are dead.
The dog is healed and he laps Cunty’s face…. the weasel that had been keeping him company scurries back to Felix and into her chest pocket.
There is a door…. we approach it there are no traps, there is no magic, there is a battle axe it is wielded by the mighty Anarne…. she hacks into the door but does not quite break it down, she swings it again and destroys it!!!! We all appreciate her getting the door for us after her totally ineffective last battle.
There is a gross bulging corpse in this room that stinks and Felix is NOT going to touch it. There is a flower tattoo on the body and a symbol on a scroll clutched in it’s hand Freya retrieves the scroll and there is a confession that Vanthus left alll the sailors rot to zombious-ness. (insert scroll in wiki) Vanthus lives below the taxidermist. Freya backs away from the corpse Felix removes a disgusting masterwork studded leather armor, she also takes his gold ring off his bloated finger….
We argue again about money.
There is a secret door in the back of the room, says Freya, there are no traps, there is no magic, inside the door is a room… it is dry and dusty and cobwebbed…. there are three large sea titties (er chests)…. full of coins and jewels… We loot that shit. The first chest is full of copper and silver coins, the second chest is full of a dozen bags of gold and gems, the third chest is all magical shit.
We do a happy dance.
We argue about the earth elemental gem…
We want to sleep on our piles of money.
Freya threatens to use her potion of shut the fuck up on Felix… it does not exist.
We have to swim back and we skipped several doors… we have not found a way out…. it takes us a while and Cunty falls of the dog but jumps out of the way of the urchins… Anarne on the other hand face plants on an urchin… she cries… dog has no pity for her, she survives and yoinks the urchin out of her face.
We make it back to the original pit and elect to Freya looks in an empty room. We search around in the two rooms and we find dust and a smashed barrel with rope… we are big winners, there is drinkable water, Anarne wishes death on the dog…. dog dislikes this but we all drink the water and are refreshed. Including the weasel.
Felix starts to question herself… being the only trap checker… she is constantly checking and wanting to check for traps… the one time she failed to check for traps she was eaten by the zombie…
We find crates full of torches. We each grab five torches.
There is a door in this room, Felix checks for traps… there are no traps.
We find a hallway…. there is a little door and the end of the little hallway, Felix checks for traps, there are no traps. There are pillars…. in this room…. there is another door…. There’s a zombie in this room…. we cracked the door to peek in and the zombie spotted us and we went AAAAHHHH!!! UNTIL NEXT WEEK FRIENDS!!!