Savage Tide

Episode 4: In which we see the Zombie in the crack in the door

OH MY GOD A ZOMBIE!!! Anarne moves to take the Zombie out with her ASS! Er… AXE! SHE TOTALLY MAXIMOUSLY DAMAGES IT INTO PIECES!!! Everyone booty dances “This is how we do it”… Felix has checked for traps previously and now searches the room. Shefton’s body lies nibbled upon by the dead undead dude. Felix checks the door in front of us for traps… Cunty detects magic. It is not magically trapped and Felix un-handle-y latches the door open and looks inside. We enter the hallway.

Then we enter a room with pillars that appears empty. There is no magic, there are no traps… Freya notices there is a SECRET DOOR. She slides the door aside and finds a long narrow passageway that leads down into the ground. Anarne is stocked with torches and rations and sashays down the hallway to find A SECRET DOOR!! There are noises. Felix bitches… “YOU GUYS!! I TOLD YOU ALLLLL!” Anarne inquires about the dog… dog is fine. We inquire about the weasel and the monkey… the monkey is chattering and Freya states Annie’s Boobs cleans her weasel all the time. There are no traps. The water we are in is shin deep and the noises from behind us get closer and CLOSER! We RUN AWAY though the area.

Freya and Felix debate our plan of attack. Cunty starts to bard… “COME AND FUCKING GET US YOU ASSHOLES!!!” Three gross zombies bust out of the tunnel, the one in the back is wearing armor and has a lolling tongue. Freya whispers “I am so fucking close I’m going to SHOCKING GRASP HIM!” Cunty steps out from behind the pillar and shoot her short bow! She lands it in a zombies shin and sings “TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!” But it appears that he takes no damage. Anarne tries to axe the zombie but misses and fumbles her axe to the ground… FREYA SHOCKINGLY GRASPS THE FUCK OUT OF THE ZOMBIE! CRITICAL HIT!!! He is totally like brrhghhlrlll and some of his teeth fall out… looks like he might have a hard time biting. Huzzah!

Felix prepares to sneakily attack the other zombie and ATTACKS HIS FACE OFF!!! She lacerates his hideous countenance. Del, Cunty, and Anarne fail their attacks, but Anarne is able to shove of the Zombie as she lunges towards her fallen axe. She recovers it successfully!!! Freya moves to FROST THE FUCK OUT OF THE ZOMBIE!!! Her ray of frost shoots RIGHT IN HIS FUCKING EYE AND BLINDS HIM!!! Icicles form as he cries tears out like a fucking baby and bemoans the extreme pain!!! Felix attacks the zombie Anarne was flailing at… and flails away. Del moves to FLURRIOUSLY BLOW the FLAILED ZOMBIE!!! SHE BLOWS HIS FACE UP!!! BOOOYAHKASHAAA! HE EXPLODES!!! The big bad zombie moves toward Del and he slams her like a baby. She is so strong and buff she’s alll like, F YOU. The other zombie tries to gum Freya slightly, and mostly grosses her out. Cunty tries to rapier the gummy zombie but fails… boo. Anarne axes up the beefy zombie and mysteriously, part of his wounds HEAL!! GAAHH!

Freya moves to ray of frost his BUTTHOLE!!! She FULLY DAMAGES HIS BUTTHOLE and then affirms to all of us that the germs from his butt to not transfer up her ray of frost to her hand, she is free of all zombie butthole germs. The zombie’s rotting grey starfish is on ice. Felix tries to tumble past the zombies but is unable to make it. Felix tries to sword the the shit out of him, but her blades glance of his armor.

Del moves to flurry up the bossman. SHE BLOWS HIM FLURRIOUSLY but he seems less fazed. Suddenly Cunty remembers that this Zombie is a HUkyuva and he is susceptible to SILVER!! And turns out, Felix has that silver dagger on her person! The toothless zombie tries to gum up Freya, but ends up chomping on the wall. CUNTY FINISHES HIM!!! SHE RAPIERS HIM!!!! Anarne FINISHES THE HUKyuva!!! He goes “BLAAHHOooowww!” We pass around the flask and celebrate. Go US!

We make our way back to the last room we were in before we ran away from the zombies. Del finds another secret door in this room. There are no traps and it looks like the tunnel leads up. There is a wooden door at the end. It is not trapped. We open the door and squint mightily against the bright ass light. Del is like, “shit is bright, ya’ll”… we take a nap and Felix, unable to sleep with her head filled with thoughts of Lady Lavinia, stands guard. WE LEVEL UP AND EVERYONE HUZZAHS!! Freya becomes the most intimidating fucking biotch EVER!!!

We had a restful sleep and woke up to find ourselves more powerful than we ever IMAGINED!! Anarne user her mad skills to find our way to the cove and the rowboats… we stroke ourselves allll the way back to Sasserine. Freya is super into buying a boat and Felix is super worried about Lavinia and Vanthus’s betrayal and Del is really interested in getting paid. We head over to the Merchant District to the Vanderboren manor and give the what what to Cora, she is super impressed with our gleamingly totesed leveled upedness. Felix spills the beans about Vanthus and Freya lays it down about the Zombies… and whispers “shhh she does not need to know about the oot-lay.”

We read out the scroll to her about Vanthus’s betrayal of Pinkus!!! SPINELESS TREACHEROUS CURR!!! Lavinia seems to be surprised about Vanthus, she wants him alive, Felix looks to comfort her… and says, she asks if it comes to it, that her brother’s death be quick and merciful. Felix and Cunty gather information about the Lotus Dragon cult of thieves Cunty’s gnome informant says they have ties to animal smugglers and that the worst of the animals are kept in the guild halls as guardian! Rawarrr! Cunty asks him about taxidermists and he directs her to the taxidermist guild hall in town. Felix goes to Shadowshore to snoop around and look for thieves and information on the Lotuses. She doesn’t come up with any new information, but as she’s leaving Shadowshore she finds a note in her pocket! It says “YOU ARE BEING WATCHED BY THE LOTUS DRAGON YOUR QUESTIONS WILL ONLY BRING YOU MISERY!!!”

We meet up at the Rusty Mermaid. Anarne says “they can go to fucking hell!” Felix says do you think they’re in Shadowshore? She looks around for any snoopy spies, but doesn’t perceive any. Freya is hell-bent on rolling deep to the taxidermist’s guild hall. We discuss the best time to go, and Felix warns us of the DANGER of the hell-town Shadowshore where crimes go unpunished and no one gives a fuck if you get stabbed up in your shit. TO THE SUNRISE DISTRICT!

Felix notices an urchin reaching into her pocket and he notices that she notices him and he takes the FUCK OFF! She hollers “GET THAT LITTLE FUCKER!!!” FELIX IS PEW PEW’D IN THE LEG WITH AN ARROW after one piffs past her head. Felix goes on and on about her coming up in the streets of Shadowshore…. and one of the bitches attacking us whisper-growles to Felix… “you should have heeded the warning of the lotus!”

There’s some dicks on top of buildings with crossbows and there are some dicks who busted out of the alleyways. Anarne rapidly longbows at the dicks on the roof. She SPEARS THE DICK IN THE NECK AND HE WILHELM SCREAMS AS HE CAREENS TOWARDS THE STREET! Her second arrow fires, but clatters to the street below. FREYA BEGINS A FREAKY ENYA INCANTATION TO SUMMON A DIRE RAT! The dick remaining in the roof piffs away an arrow at Anarne, and the dick from the alley tries to rapier Felix but she dodges the FUCK out of the way! Del FLURRIOUSLY BLOWS THE DICK’S NECK UNTIL IT SNAPS IN HALF!! Felix picks up his crossbow and aims at the remaining dick on the roof and pierces him in the shin! She grunts “TAKE THAT UUUGHHH!!” Cunty casts dancing lights in the face of the dick on the roof, and Anarne rapidly longbows, she misses with her first arrow and hits with the next! THE DICK IS LIMP AND BARELY ALIVE WHEN A DIRE RAT APPEARS BEHIND HIM!!! It attempts to gnaw off it’s limbs but gnashes at the air! Freya ray of frosts the FUCKER AND SENDS HIM TO AN ICY GRAAAAAVVVE! He falls off the roof and his head cracks open, and bits of shattered brain fall red and glittering like blood rubies to the ground.

There is urchin venom in potion bottles and Cunty wonders if the street children are poisonous…

Felix compiles the loot from the bodies but there don’t seem to be any clues. It darkens into dusk and we head toward the guild-hall.

The hall is open. Freya approaches the mustachio’d dude and inquires about stuffing dire rats. He creepily says “HEYYY ladies, how’s you like to buy a stuffed bear?!” While this goes on, Felix attempts to sneak around and gather clues. Freya charms the shit out of this dude and introduces him to Annie’s Boobs.

Cunty tries to seduce him as well and she pretends to trip and uses his leg to pull herself back up and casually caresses his balls.. he is not having any of it. He notice Felix looking around and hollers at her, she bluffs him up about her weasel and we exit out of there quickly… he is watching us leave as we go to the Shivering Cat Tavern… Felix looks MIGHTY natural… but he is still watching. Del can tell he is writing shit down. Freya tries to convince Cunty to leave it be when she’s working her sexual magic but Cunty is indignant and is all like, “Whatever I’m fucking hot!”…

We take a table and the bartender comes over to us, Felix again tries to charm him and asks a bunch of questions finishing with “I really love the smell of formaldehyde.” He thinks she’s weird. He comes back and Del sauces him up to find out his name… Felix tries to kiss his ass about his amazing bar and beverages and then inquires about the taxidermist and the Lotus. William tells her that she shouldn’t be asking those kinds of questions and tells us to take our drinks and go. We offer him five gold pieces to answer us. Cunty tries to tell him she will suck his dick, but he is totally not into it. He considers the price of ten gold pieces… and Freya convinces him to give up the information about the building. He says there’s thieves cumming and going underneath. We ask him about Vanthus and William doesn’t recognize him. Turns out William likes dick. We exit the pub and the dude is not still watching. Felix holds Cunty’s hair back as she hurls in the street. We then cross the street to the guild hall and try to bust in.

Felix checks for traps, there are no traps. She is trying to pick the lock and we’re all standing around. Cunty throws up. Felix successfully picks the lock. We walk inside. Felix says “I like sneaking into places at night.” Freya says “our code for the Shivering Cat is the Shaking Pussy… or the Shimmering Pussy… I haven’t decided yet” we are all okay with this. Freya starts to get up in it about being a lady pirate without a ship and that we will name it the ship shape and instead of writing “shape” on it we would cut out a shape of a ship and put it after the word ship and then it would be awesome.

There’s a desk and a chair in the room and Del sees the air moving. She says-“The air is moving” Freya says “check for gas leaks” Cunty farts. Del starts tripping ballz on the lights.

A BLAST OF LIGHT HITS DEL IN THE FAACE! She remains undamaged but she is still tripping ballz. The Taxidermist shows up with a wand and he poops his pants when he realizes that most of us are not fascinated by his light beam. Anarne tries to axe him in the face and she trips and falls on her ass… the taxidermist laughs. Cunty bards. Felix shakes Del and screams in her face “SNAP OUT OF IT!!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!!” Freya yells “WHAT DO YOU WANT” to the taxidermist as she tries to ray of frost him but she misses and hits the top of the door frame. The taxidermist says “I WANT YOU DEAD BITCHES!” Felix is like “FUCK YOUR WEASELS I DIDN’T FUCKING WANT THEM ANYWAYS AND WE WERE LYING TO YOU!” and he’s all like “I KNOOWWW!!” and Felix is like “I KNOW YOU DIDN”T KNOOOWWW ASSHOLE!! And the taxidermist is ashamed. Freya says “PUNCH HIM IN THE DICK DEL!!” Del crane-style karate kid kicks him in the abdomen, she beaks his ribs and he’s bleeding out of his mouth. We stabilize him and tie him up…


Episode 3 - "We are going to F shit up in these tunnels"

We reign victorious over Soller Vark and we sell all our loot. Pooled our funds to buy a wand of cure light wounds. We meet Shefton who takes us over to a groovy jungle island… Cunty with her riding dog, Freya with her monkey, and Felix with her weasel.

There is a clearing Shefton says is the trap door. Felix checks the trap door for traps… she perceives no traps. Opening the door there is a rope ladder leading down into the darkness. Shefton the coward refuses to go down into the darkness. Anarne carries the riding dog. We find ourselves in a dank obsidian portal, that reeks worse than Lazer the weasel. Shefton screams from atop the hole and falls into the pit with a dagger in his back! Then another head pokes into the trap door.. a familiar head… VANTHUS! He says “You scumbags lookin for me?!? Say hi to Penkus’ ghost down there… serves you right!”

He starts to cut the ladder and we spring into action. Freya draws her bow and yells “I’m gonna shoot you in the dick!!!” Vanthus sneers and dodges out of the way. He cuts the rope and says something shitty like “enjoy the dark bitches!!” Felix gasps "Did he just call us BITCHES?!?! Freya exclaims I AM GOIN TO SHOOT YOU IN THE DICK!!! He is standing and we can see the dick… except it’s in the pants Anarne tried to shoot him in the dick and missed. Felix tries to climb the wall she moves like a spider weasel 15 feet. The wall is rough and stuff and she rocks it… Freya is all like, way to go… Del is a bad ass Monk, she and tries to scale the wall, she biffs at first, but then scampers about 7.5 feet and then is able to admire Felix’s form. Freya is spider-manning out sleep spells like mad… but Vanthus does not fall asleep just yet…. and then Cunty sings You’re the best around! Vanthus closes the trap door and puts a rock on the top of the door… we are totally fucked and stuck inside these tunnels.

Anarne lights a muther f-in torch and the ladies come down the wall. Cunty stops singing. Alll the dicks in the room. We loot Shefton’s corpse and the money gets a dagger. Felix checks for traps. There’s a door to a brick room. It’s kind of crumbly and there’s soft ocean lapping and dripping noises there’s no magic, and Felix checks for traps and the monkey screams at Felix. The weasel screeches back at the monkey and attacks it’s red glowing eyes. We open the door to a large room with a pool of water and lapping ocean waves.

There are four great wooden pillars that are saggy and some fungus… there’s also muffled sloshing noises… there’s a body face down in the water…. the corpse is not magical, Felix loots the gross-out body and finds a dagger.. HOLY FUCK A ZOMBIE RISES OUT OF THE WATER AND TRIES TO EAT THE SHIT OUT OF FELIX!!!!! HE NIBBLES HER TO THE BOOOOONE!!!! Rumors of zombie contagions are false- says Cunty. Freya scolds Felix for wading into the stagnant water where there’s OBVIOUSLY a dead boody…. Freya is not pleased, nor is her monkey who is FREAKING OUT. Felix runs away from the ZOMBIE!!! And hides behind Anarne.

Anarne CHARGES TOWARDS THE ZOMBIE SCREAMINGTAKE THAT ZOMBIE BITCH!!!” She totally chops one of his arms off and it flies through the air… the zombie is unnerved as guts and black blood ooze out of his arm-hole. Felix gets f-d and two more Zombies come out of the door. Freya raises her arm, held high in her signature two in the pink one in the stink hand-gesture…. IT’S THE SHOCKING GRASP!!!! She REAMS HIM IN THE EYE SHE FRIES HIM DEAD AND THE PARTY ERUPTS INTO HUZZAHS!!!! Del is amped up and ready to flurry of blows this bitching zombie. SHe BLOWSOFF THE LADY ZOMBIE IN THE FACE!!! ULTIMATE BLOWING ZOMBIE BITCH UNTIL HER HEAD EXPLODES OFF HER BODY!!! DEL FISTED HER HEAD OFF. Felix flanks the armless zombie but sucked balls instead of hitting. Freya runs over with her “fucking the shocking grasp away”… and whiffs her glowing hand past his face… Del is slamming the shit out of the zombie. Anarne attacks the shit out of the Zombie with her AXE and cuts him in half!!!!

After the battle Cunty wands everyone in the party except Anarne… she pings Freya, she pings Del, and when she gets to Felix her wand EXPLODES UNCONTROLLABLY ALL OVER HER. So much healing.

We open the door to the lapping water sounds, and we begin to wade through the slippery water avoiding the slippy poison sea urchins. Dog and Cunty hold on and everyone survives without being poisoned. Felix does not believe there are any traps in the fork of the dungeon water tunnels and there is no magic either.

We forge on into the right deep dark hole…Freya totally falls in the gross water and hits and urchin and starts to wretch from the poison. She is vomiting and then mumbles about how woozy and uncomfortable she is. Felix comforts Freya. We wait for Freya to recover for one minute the party bitches about Lavinia…. Felix defends herself against wanting to bone her while the party discusses the ethics of Felix’s slutty past and future…

Riding dog paddles through the water with Cunty surfing on his back. The water deepens but land ho! It looks like there’s solid ground ahead. The water is murkiest here… we’re gonna have to swim… Anarne follows the pack, Cunty’s dog YELPS and blood reddens the water. A water zombie RISES out of the muck!!!!

Del swims forward towards one of the three zombies that have popped out of the water. She beats his zombie head into the wall!!!! Freya swims forward next and rays frostily at the zombie pew pew pew he is iced…. Felix swims up to the frozen dude and sneakily short swords the shit out of him she slits his throat from behind and he has a gaping throat gap. Felix laughs at his face. Anarne pulls out her bow and fires a wayward arrow. The zombie Del biffed into the wall tries to bite her but she holds it at arms length like a badass. Zombie who attacked dog misses Cunty and the other one misses Felix. Cunty tries to swim and scurry past the zombies but misses terribly, she starts to bard it up. Del bashes the zombie’s head into the wall again and his skull cracks open like an egg and his brains fall out, then she does a sweet spin move and kicks the other zombie in the FACE!!!! Freya shockingly grasps the un-life out of the zombie. He is dead. Felix again sneak attacks zombie and slices his head off.

All zombies are dead.

The dog is healed and he laps Cunty’s face…. the weasel that had been keeping him company scurries back to Felix and into her chest pocket.

There is a door…. we approach it there are no traps, there is no magic, there is a battle axe it is wielded by the mighty Anarne…. she hacks into the door but does not quite break it down, she swings it again and destroys it!!!! We all appreciate her getting the door for us after her totally ineffective last battle.

There is a gross bulging corpse in this room that stinks and Felix is NOT going to touch it. There is a flower tattoo on the body and a symbol on a scroll clutched in it’s hand Freya retrieves the scroll and there is a confession that Vanthus left alll the sailors rot to zombious-ness. (insert scroll in wiki) Vanthus lives below the taxidermist. Freya backs away from the corpse Felix removes a disgusting masterwork studded leather armor, she also takes his gold ring off his bloated finger….

We argue again about money.

There is a secret door in the back of the room, says Freya, there are no traps, there is no magic, inside the door is a room… it is dry and dusty and cobwebbed…. there are three large sea titties (er chests)…. full of coins and jewels… We loot that shit. The first chest is full of copper and silver coins, the second chest is full of a dozen bags of gold and gems, the third chest is all magical shit.

We do a happy dance.

We argue about the earth elemental gem…

We want to sleep on our piles of money.

Freya threatens to use her potion of shut the fuck up on Felix… it does not exist.

We have to swim back and we skipped several doors… we have not found a way out…. it takes us a while and Cunty falls of the dog but jumps out of the way of the urchins… Anarne on the other hand face plants on an urchin… she cries… dog has no pity for her, she survives and yoinks the urchin out of her face.

We make it back to the original pit and elect to Freya looks in an empty room. We search around in the two rooms and we find dust and a smashed barrel with rope… we are big winners, there is drinkable water, Anarne wishes death on the dog…. dog dislikes this but we all drink the water and are refreshed. Including the weasel.

Felix starts to question herself… being the only trap checker… she is constantly checking and wanting to check for traps… the one time she failed to check for traps she was eaten by the zombie…

We find crates full of torches. We each grab five torches.

There is a door in this room, Felix checks for traps… there are no traps.

We find a hallway…. there is a little door and the end of the little hallway, Felix checks for traps, there are no traps. There are pillars…. in this room…. there is another door…. There’s a zombie in this room…. we cracked the door to peek in and the zombie spotted us and we went AAAAHHHH!!! UNTIL NEXT WEEK FRIENDS!!!

Episode 1: There Is No Honor

It was a dark and stormy night in the port city of Sasserine. Most nights were dark, and during this time of the year storms were not particularly uncommon, but still, tonight was a night best spent indoors. Unfortunately for Kora Whistlegap, she had business to attend to. The rain fell in sheets as the wizened little Halfling waddled through the streets of the Azure district, squinting up at the numbers on the doors she passed before settling on a destination. Reaching her left hand into the leather satchel slung around her tiny frame, she moved onto the stoop and rapped on the door.

As she waited for an answer, Kora tugged her thick woolen cloak around her shoulders to fend off the chill. After a few moments, the door was opened by a muscular-looking Elf woman. Smiling, Kora produced a sealed letter from her satchel and handed it to the Elf. “Beg yer pardon Miss, I have for ya a letter from M’lady.”

Eyeing the Halfling quizically, the Elven woman grabbed the letter, broke the seal, and began to read:

Greetings, and I trust this missive finds you in good health!

My name is Lavinia Vanderboren, and I humbly request your attendance at dinner at my estate on Festival Street and Blue Skink Lane tomorrow evening. I think that I can present you with an opportunity uniquely suited to your skills. Please inform the carrier of this letter of your response to this invitation, and I hope to be speaking to you soon!

Lavinia Vanderboren

After she finished reading, the Elf looked up from the letter, then down at the halfing, and responded, “Tell your Lady Lavinia, I’ll be there.”

With a smile and a nod, Kora thanked the Elf and bid her good evening before turning back to the rainy streets. She had four more letters to deliver before the night was done.

It was a slow night in the Rusty Mermaid. A few regulars were scattered about the taproom playing cards and Rufus was at his usual place at the bar, nursing a glass of rum. ‘Slow night…’ pondered Rex Forley as he wiped down the same spot on the bar he’d been wiping down for the past two hours, ‘If business don’t pick up soon, I’ll have ta start calling in some tabs,’ he eyed Rufus with a scowl as the aging Bard took a sip of his rum and looked to the door, ‘not that half these sots could pay up anyway.’

Following Rufus’ gaze, Rex watched as another regular slipped in and took a deep breath, bracing for trouble. His latest patron swaggered up to the bar and planted her shapely posterior into a stool. ‘Shame she doesn’t fancy blokes,’ lamented Rex silently as she leaned over the bar. “What’ll ya have Felix, I be hopin’ it ain’t trouble.”

“No trouble,” Felix replied, “just information. What do you know about Lavinia Vanderboren?”

Before Rex could repsond, Rufus leaned over and butted in, “Vanderboren? hic Ya didn’t hear ‘bout the fire Felix? Lemme buy ya a drink and I’ll tell you about it.”

With a coy smile, Felix scooted over next to the drunken minstrel and replied, “Sure thing Rufus, just tell me what you know.”

With a roll of his eyes, Rex began to fill a glass for the raven-haired wench as Rufus laid into his tale. “Ya see Felix, about a month ago, the Vanderborens, Larissa and Verik Vanderboren to be precise. They was out for a pleasure cruise on the harbor, but their ship caught fire and they both died! This Lavinia yer askin’ about and her brother Vanthus are the only Vanderborens left ’round here nowabouts."

Felix nodded her head, “I see… that does sound mysterious…” As she pondered the story and took a drink, Rex noticed the door open again and tall, remarkably beautiful, Half-Elven woman walked into the bar. As if stuck by lightning, all of the patrons stopped what they were doing and stared. As the woman made her way to the bar, Rufus pulled out a comb and started running it through his greasy hair and Rex spotted old Cletus Maxwell pop out his glass eye to give it a polish, but all Rex could do was stare, his mouth agape. When the woman finally drew near, he tried to fumble for some words, but she spoke first, “Who are you?” she asked, but she wasn’t talking to him, she was talking to Felix, who was still staring down into her drink.

Looking up from her thoughts, Felix replied, “I’m Felix, who are you?”

“I’m Freya, what are you doing here?”, answered the mysterious woman.

“I got this letter from Lavinia Vanderboren and I’m investigating!” shot back Felix.

“Oh my god! I totally got a letter too!” exclaimed Freya, pulling a letter with a broken green seal from a pouch at her belt.

“Did you hear about her parents? They burned to death.” said Felix.

“That’s crazy! This Lavinia woman wants me to meet her for dinner tomorrow!” said Freya

“Oh my god, me too!” said Felix

“Oh okay, well I’ll see you there I guess!” said Freya as she turned to leave.

“Sounds good! See you tomorrow!” replied Felix as she followed Freya out the door.

Rex closed his mouth. He had no clue what just happened, but decided he was better off not knowing and went back to polishing the bar.

Part 3 forthcoming!


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